Monday, 28 May 2018

Falling in and out of like

I see someone.
My heart begins to quicken
I stop, just for a moment
To listen

To listen to a heart
One that had been broken
Flutter
You, it had chosen

My head starts to fall
Deeper and deeper
Your presence trapped it
You are a healer

You were to be the one
To make me
Myself again
I can see

That this is a tall order
You just want
someone who is kind
that doesn't
ask too much time or

Someone who is already fine
and I'm scared that's not me
then what happens?
Does this all blow up in smoke?
Is this the end?



Friday, 27 April 2018

Suburbs and old fashioned ideas


Recently I was in the suburbs of Brisbane, Australia. I was surrounded by a loving and caring family. They were all very nice and easy to talk to.
However…..Comments they made were unbelievably racist, homophobic and sexist. I was stunned.
These people would make these comments completely off hand like they were normal everyday words.  There was no respect for the history of them. I genuinely couldn’t understand it.
I then looked at the kind of culture they surrounded themselves with in a pathetic attempt to blame their language on that. While they play video games that use similar language they do and listen to songs that really hammer home the message that some people have more power than others.  I couldn’t help but get confused by the fact that most westerners around surrounded by these sources of entertainment and yet have the ability to not be racist, homophobic or sexist. They understand that for just because something is said in a entertainment context, doesn’t mean that it should ever be uttered in real life contexts.
I’ve never found this in the cities I’ve lived in. Of course, I’m not blind, there are disgusting mentalities around the world but they seem far more frowned upon in cities. Why? Is it because in cities there is more diversity and therefore more acceptance that language has vital meaning behind it and visibility of groups discourages use of certain language. This led me to the conclusion that perhaps that suburbs are the breeding ground for old mentalities.
But is this a chicken and an egg situation? Do people stay or move to the suburbs because they have these old-fashioned mentalities or do they get these ideas here? Does the close mindedness of the  suburbs stem from the remoteness of the physical location?
I don’t understand these people. I just don't get it and the scariest part of the entire situation is that this mentality is on the rise. Politically speaking, these people hold a lot of power and events in the world, this has clearly shown. 
Has tolerance not yet spread?  


Sunday, 1 April 2018

Loneliness at university

There seems to be a huge issue surrounding the university experience that no-one ever prepares you for. I feel that no-one ever sat me down when I was about to go off to university and said “at times, you will be lonely. There will be times when you hate that you don’t come back and have a routine of having a family dinner. There will even be times in which it will seriously affect your mental health. Although there are of course ways to combat this like joining as many societies as possible, there is and will always be times in which you are lonely. It’s just one of the harsh lessons of life.” Even if someone had said this to me, there is a very big chance that I wouldn’t have listened anyway. For most people, they spend their lives growing up around people. To go from that to having to suddenly create your own family is scary and take a lot longer than I would have every expected.
It was only until a year into my degree that I finally asked home friends if they felt the same way. Whether they had also been affected by loneliness. While some who had plates stacked with mountains of things they had to do and were luckily placed in accommodation with people that they could find that uni family with quickly replied that they found it at times, the overwhelming majority said that they had it experienced it to greater or lesser extents.
I personally found the first year hard because I am someone that always needs to have people around. This is partly from deep psychological issues and partly from the fact that I’m extroverted, I get my energy from being around others. I know many introverts may read and think that being extroverted is easier in this life and while it has perks because socialising comes easily, it does mean that time alone can be difficult. Because time alone seems to be in greater quantity as you get older just from the fact that you parents aren’t there looking over you every move. It’s a horrible feeling. It truly is an awful feeling. I personally can’t tell if my anxiety and depression made it worse or whether those mental illnesses got worse because I was alone so much. Then it would be this horrid cycle of feeling depressed because I wasn’t seeing anyone then not seeing anyone because I was depressed. This is without a doubt the biggest lesson I have learnt about myself: without other people, I can’t be me.  
I know that others have a different relationship to the loneliness experienced at university. Of course, depending on the type of university and the culture surrounding this, you will experience similarities or differences from me. No one experience is the same, that’s for sure. I go to university in Australia where many people stay at home and commute to uni rather than do what I expected people do which is move to where the university. I expected people do this because in the UK, this is what is expected. Most people do this. This meant that the culture at uni was fitted in around family life, a concept I found incredibly strange. It was incredibly awkward to fit in with people who already had home friends and didn’t have the desperation to make pals that I did. Similarly, because people still lived at home they had jobs that kept their time busy. This meant time for socialising was few and far between for a shy girl that had made a couple of good friends.
This was another vow I made to myself going into second year. I would never let myself get as lonely as I was last year. I will reach out to people, even if the anxiety tells me that they will think I’m sad for doing so, I will. To my credit, I’ve done that. I’ve forced myself to get to know my housemates better and have been able to completely be myself around- a quality it too me nine months to achieve with my previous set of housemates.
I guess my main message with this blog post is that loneliness comes to all, no matter where you are in life. Uni, for me was a platform for me to learn about how to cope with it. I think that people ought to take off the rose-tinted glasses they put on the past and warn younger people that loneliness may come so that it wasn’t the shock it was for me. 

Thursday, 29 March 2018




Hi,
this is the beginning of my blogging days and like many hobbies I try to have, I doubt this will last anymore than 2 weeks. But if by some miraculous change it does and I continue this hobby on for longer it will always be nice to look back (an probably cringe) on this initial post. 
I guess I should say a little about myself so that my posts make a little more sense. 
I have recently turned 20. I'm at university in Australia, even though I grew up in the U.K. I'm making a comic book sort of thing with the same title as this blog and I wake up everyday questioning whether anxiety or depression will take over for the day or if I am able to live my life. What else? I guess I'm vegetarian, something I was brought up doing, dabbled with veganism but found that in my university life, it was impractical so instead I try to eat as little dairy as possible. Honestly, I hate talking about that sort of thing. I have an opinion on how people ought to eat but I'm far too much of a narcissist to particularly care what others do with their food choices. 
I'm currently very single but have little to no motivation to remedy that. Occasionally I will get some sudden inspiration and focus on the next love of my life but considering as I've been on this planet for 20 years and haven't even attempted entering a relationship shows that I would rather friends then romantic  friends. 
I hate talking about politics and getting into heated debates. To me they're more a reflection of one's character and I'd rather not reveal that much about myself.
I tend to complain a lot. I think that's partly the British side coming through. 
I can no longer drink because I'm on some medication. I'm excited about the money I'll save from this.
I really don't know what else to say about myself. For once, I am lost for words.  
I guess here it is, here is the start of my blogging. 
We shall see if it actually continues or if I quickly loose interest. 
I'm not sure how to sign this off. 
See you later I guess.

Unkown xx